Stop making fast and furious movies.
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Note to self: always read the final line
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Pretty much! 😂👀
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
oh you like architecture? name three walls
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”