I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws