I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
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take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
good let them take over I have had enough
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me