My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.