If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
the composer
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.