[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
You Might Also Like
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
that wasn’t the question
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life