Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
PLOT TWIST:
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Seas the day!!!!