{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
You Might Also Like
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge