No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”