Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
translated into Canadian
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.