My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Peter Parker Peter Driver
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….