Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Lube but for my dry humor.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle