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Hulk: way ahead of you bud
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it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Selfie
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.