I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
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Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.