My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
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18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again