Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.