it’s a van. how do they not know this
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The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Just so funny
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.