Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Worlds greatest photobomb
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake