For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.