Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up