My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Every photo I’m tagged in
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.