The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I saw this ending much differently.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
tis the season