[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
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Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right