My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
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“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
IT’S-A ME,
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
They got Raph!