Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
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son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life