Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i smell a pulitzer
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”