An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
i prefer mine room temperature.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”