why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
what it’s like dating me:
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.