my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*