Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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Doctors texting each other.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.