I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.