Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.