I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Not helping
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention