Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me too door. Me too.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.