All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
What a year we’ve had this week.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.