Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
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her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?