My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?