Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!