I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
omg leave her alone
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
it must be school picture day
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”