BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Practicing safe sax
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”