I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?