my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.