“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Thursday
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
They’re on their honeymoon
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR