Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Tuesday
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.