Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
What about second breakfast?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS