Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.