Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
You Might Also Like
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I