If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.