i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.