*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
They’re the worst 😩
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.